How I "did" The Army.

Right after I finished school (it was 1976 and I was 20), like every guy I had to join the Belgian Army. Of course I didn't want to go. I was a hippie, remember.. Long hair, Love and Peace, you know. So I wanted to get rid of the armyduty. There were two possibilities : I could try to be a conscientious objector. Then I had to forfill a "social" task, and didn't have to carry guns. But there was another way : trying to get them to declare me unfit for military service. This shouldn't be easy, because I just graduated in electronics.... but I chose for this last possability. A couple of weeks before I had to go, they sended me a form to fill in. They asked about diseases, illnesses etc. I marked all the things wich had to do something with the mind. (memory loss, headaches, unconciousness, schizofrenia, dizzyness, etc..etc.. ) 3days before D-day, I stopped eating. I had to be in Brussels for the tests, and they sended me a trainticket. In the train I smoked a couple of joints (in the toilet) and when I arrived in Brussels, I stepped into a bar and drank a couple of beers. You can imagine how I looked. Nothing eaten for three days, stoned as a monkey, and drunk like a dunkey... I arrived in the medical centre a couple of hours too late.
The guy at the counter asked my name, and he digged up that form I filled in a couple of weeks ago and asked me how old I was. I replied that I was 20. Then he looked at the form again and said : you're only 20 and you allready had all these diseases ? He frowned...
The group where I belonged in had started the "test-tour" allready, so he sended me immedialtly to a psychiatrist. I remember it was a dark room with only one light. (like in the old police-interrogations). He started questionning me, but I couldn't answer much. Suddenly he stood up, and asked me :"how much is 3 times 17 ?" He took some notes dismissed me because I couldn't give him the correct answer in a reasonable time.
Then they placed me in my group, to follow the tour. At the hearing-test they put me in a soundproof cabin, with an ancient, old headphone on my head. (you know these rubber green army-things ?) I heard the tones in the headphone, but I didn't react. The guy who was behind the tripple little window to take notes, got nervous, and he knocked impatiently on the glass and pointed to the button I had to push when I heard somehing. So I pushed a couple of times on this button, and was "kindly" asked to leave. Then we came at the test for colorblindness. you know these pages full of colored dots, where you've got to find a number in? I just walked by them and stated some random numbers. The guy behind the desk ... his eyes feld almost out. He looked at me with his mouth wide open. Up till then we were in a group of about 20 guys, in underwear. But then whe had to come in front of a doctor, to e.g. let the private parts be checked. Three by three they let us in the doctors office where were three "curtaincabins" We should get undressed completely, and wait for the doctor to call our name. I decided not to wait, but I came out of the cabin as soon as the doctor was "inspecting" someone else. The other guy, who was completely nude in front of the doc, paniced, blanched, and put his hands on his "private parts" It was difficult not to *LOL* for me.
A little later I had another intervieuw with two? or three? Doctors / psychatrists. One of them asked me if I ever was confrontated with "drugs"... I did as if I was doubting and asked If I could speak confidentially. They all nodded very convincing their head. So, with a trembeling voice I answerred "yes". They asked me what I had taken. I said : "all what I could get". Of course this was a little lie, but I liked to exagerate a bit ... The looked to eachother with a frown and sended me off.
(Of course) I failed in the "pee"-test. I just couldn't produce a single drop. They gave me water to drink, and I drank, drank drank, but nothing happened. So I had to come back in the P-place after the tour was done. Luckily I could produce some drops then...
At the end of the day, they put me on a bus to the real military hospital (in Antwerp) for more observations. When I came there, They confronted me (again) with a doctor and a shrink. They explained me about regulations in this hospital. They also said, that if I should need medicines I should ask it here. I immedialtly replied that I had such an headache... they looked to eachother and gave me three pills. I swallowed them instantly. Later I knew that they gave me sleeping pills. After this visit they did again some tests. The only thing I remember is that we got a doubble page filled with groups of tiny circles (thousands of them)... We had to circle all groups with 3 little circles. After one minute, looking to this page, I couldn't keep up anymore. They brought me to my bed, and from there I remember nothing anymore. When I woke up next morning, I realized where they had put me : the "madhouse" ... wow... with me there were about 20 guys in the ward. About 15 of them were doing the same thing I was doing (faking madness), the others seemed to me really "weird" One of the officers came to me and asked if I wanted to go home every afternoon, because I lived very close to that hospital, and because in the afternoon, there were no doctors to do tests anyway. So I aggreed and that's how I became the "courier" for the other guys who mustened leave. I took notes : A bottle of brandy, a bottle of whiskey, beers, some stuff to smoke, etc ...
On a mondaymorning, before I went "in", I drank a very nice cup of tea with a big piece of crumbled hash. After I took the "groceries" to the boys, and I made myself a wodka-orange. I had bought a big bottle of orange-juice, poored 3/4 away, and filled it up with a whole bottle of wodka. When I finished this mix for more than half I was called for the "big" interview with the "head-psychiatrist". You can imagine ... *LOL*
The general treatment in this hospital was fantastic. Because we were "sick in the head", we could do anything we wanted. They just let us do. They even let us openly smoke the dope. I think they were affraid that we go really "mad" if they should forbit us anything... I was in that hospital for 5 (half) days and then I was officialy declared "unfit" for the army ... I peeked in my papers (nobody, not even myself, should see this, because of "military secrets") and I saw two big stamps : SCHIZOFRENIA and TOXICOMANIA. OH I was so happy... *LOL* I succeeded my military mission!! I bamboozled the Belgian Army !!! I knew that this wouldn't harm my later carreer. Only for the army I was not fit, and 'why' I was not fit is "military secret". The only job I cannot do, is any kind of police or army job.
This was the story of my military service.
I never heard of them again ....


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